Kgothatso Legong, fifth year medical student at Sefako Makgatho Health Sciences University, shares his emotional journey in the build-up to his first finals test.

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Three weeks into the fifth year academic calendar, I was scheduled to write my first test which contributes to my final mark. At first, I thought I still had time to study. “Ample time,” I said, “More than enough to get my ducks marching to one beat in the most perfect line.”

This turned out to be the biggest delusion I ever created, fed to myself, and believed it with all my soul, with all my heart, and everything within me.

I went through stages of grief days leading to the test date.

1. Denial

I kept postponing studying for a later time. I kept making excuses like, “I am too tired for to study tonight.” “It is not much work to cover.” “I study well under pressure.” Then it got to a point I finally sat myself down, forced myself to open my books and all the slides I had to study.

Still, I said to myself, “Do not stress yourself to much about this,” so I said, “You can easily cover this material swiftly and still have a few days to spare where you could use to go through past papers and revise.” The lies I fed myself… My heart aches a bit when I recall how I led myself astray into a snare I had conspired and created for myself.

2. Anger

It then hit me. Days leading up to a test were fast approaching and the pace at which I was covering content was not enough. I had tried to pick up the pace but it was not looking good for me at all. I remember once I stayed up until 3 am trying to study.

On that night, I bought an energy drink, took my jersey and went to a study hall. I studied to a point where I was the last one in the hall. I studied to a point where my mind became numb and saturated. When I was walking on campus to my room, I was the only person who was outdoors. Not even a single soul walk walking outside. I was displeased with myself. “Why did I not plan adequately?” “Why did I not make greater effort to study whiles there was still time?”

3. Bargaining

The next morning, it felt like something could happen to make the test be postponed or disappear without a trace. That was not happening, there was no way. “What is the lecturers and the rest of the staff can just forget?” I questioned myself in a state of tiresomeness.

4. Depression and 5. Acceptance

I believe the depressive state lasted very shortly because I do not remember it that well.

Then came peace over me. It was a day before a test. Slides were projecting, books were open but there was no hunger for me anymore to do anything. I remember climbing into bed and taking a nap. I woke up later on and cooked, then after contemplated how no not repeat the same cycle of errors I summoned onto myself.

I believe the first step to treating an illness is to correctly diagnose it. This is exactly what I have done. From now on all I need to do is to manage.

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